Last night I overheard my husband tell a friend of his, “If your heart has a deep injury, you can’t heal until you forgive.” My husband often says things that cause me to really re-examine my values and beliefs, but this one hit me right between the eyes. I didn’t sleep much last night just pondering this one sentence that he said.
I am a person who does not easily forgive. If I think back over my lifetime, I can think of people who hurt me over 20 years ago against whom I still hold a grudge. My friend was far worse: occasionally he would bring up the topic of a former neighbor from 40 years back, who once insulted his brother’s car. This woman who did the insulting is long dead, yet my friend would often “resurrect” her and relive the whole incident, making him feel angry and unhappy. And heck, the car in question had been gone for ages.
Why did he do this? I could never figure it out. What was the point of resurrecting a stupid comment that happened decades ago? Over a car, no less?
I am guilty of the same behavior, unfortunately. But slowly I am learning that failing to forgive only gives power to the person who wronged you. Bear with me.
After speaking with Larick more in depth about his comment, I realized that it was so simple, yet easier said than done. Humans love to hold grudges. We love to see retribution against those who have wronged us. It’s almost like we enjoy the self-flagellation of reliving that bad scene over and over again, and when “what goes around comes around,” we rejoice in seeing the wrongdoer suffer. But what is this really doing for you? Is it doing you good? Isn’t it just giving the wrongdoer the power to hurt you repeatedly without doing anything at all?
How about this: instead of reliving the trauma over and over, forgive and forget. For heaven’s sake, move on. You can’t fix the past by reliving it anyway. You just cause yourself unnecessary pain, and I think Larick is correct: your heart will never heal.
I have just recently let go of some animus I had against some coworkers who treated me really badly in the early 90s. I have to say that it feels really good. No longer do these ghosts from the past have any sway over me or my mood. They are forgiven–and forgotten.
And in doing so, I realized that forgiveness isn’t so much a benefit for the forgivee as it is for the forgiver. Because when you forgive, you engage in a tremendous act of self-love. You are saying, “I love myself so much and so unconditionally that I am unwilling to allow anyone to rain on my parade.” So you free your heart and soul from the bad act, and you give yourself a big hug. And from there forward, you let that bad act be buried, hopefully never to be resurrected.
To be clear, I am not suggesting that you allow people to repeatedly hurt you. In law, we sometimes use brackets to indicate alternative text that can be used in a given circumstances. Hence, I think the phrase “forgive and forget” should be revised to “forgive [, release,] and forget.” Because if someone has a habit of hurting you and doesn’t change, you should probably forgive them, release them, and then forget. If the relationship is worth working on or if it’s one that’s difficult to sever, such as with a parent, “release” might mean that you simply set personal boundaries that you keep sacred and/or get counseling. Just always remember to love yourself first.
I don’t claim to have all the answers, because I most certainly do not. However, it seems that if we learned to forgive, possibly release, and forget, we’d all be a lot happier. After all, if someone broke your heart, why continue to injure it with bad memories? As Larick says, forgive, and let you heart finally heal. What do you think?
For me, this is a major behavioral transformation that will take some practice. But I’m sure I will get there.
-Badger OUT.
Love it! xoxo
Great post!
Beautiful piece. Though I understand the forgiveness, I would have no idea how to forget. There are some things that happen to us that just get burned into our memory. If you know how to forget I’d love to hear how you approach that aspect of it.
I agree with you about forgetting. All of this is easier said than done. I think difficulty in forgetting may be partially cultural. African culture approaches all this very differently. If something bad happens, it is expected that the “tortfeasor” 😂 (sorry, couldn’t resist using a legal term) will make amends and be promptly forgiven. Then they just forget—although as I write this, I think there may be degrees of forgetting. Some wrongs are indeed so heinous that it’s nearly impossible to forget, because it is burned into your psyche and soul. At that point, I think only good counseling can help. I have an excellent counselor now who is helping me unearth “repressed” demons that I had consciously forgotten about that still reside comfortably in my subconscious. As I remember, I face them, forgive, and purge. I can honestly say that it helps. But it takes a long time, and the process can be very painful.
Having said all that, I do think it’s possible to forget. But it ain’t easy. As my Aunt Judy says, time does help ease the pain.
I also do EFT/Tapping, which has been really helpful. Self-care and learning to love yourself are critical, because once you start doing that, you make space for forgiveness, because your newfound love for yourself will not tolerate anything “messing with you.”
I don’t know if my ramblings make any sense. Feel free to comment further!
One last thing: I try to remember that none of us are blameless. All of us have done things that require others to forgive US. I would only hope that my loved ones have the capacity to forgive and forget when I err.
That’s the best I can do.