It is Sunday (morning for most of you). Welcome to church. This is your officiant, Honey Badger, speaking. I come to you from my pulpit not far from the majestic Mount Kilimanjaro.
Today’s sermon is a follow-on of a “sermon” I wrote recently about forgiveness: Forgive and Forget. The lesson of today came to me like most life lessons–out of the blue. More correctly, you could say I was completely blindsided with this one. Here’s what happened and what I did with it.
This morning, I woke up with messages from a group of friends on social media. One of them is someone I don’t know personally, but I know about his story. To say his story is tragic of late is an understatement. I know he’s going through a very difficult time. I will call him “Joel” for purposes of this sermon.
Without going into details, I posted a few comments on the message with the express intent of being helpful. I assumed my comments would in fact be helpful (and possibly a little humorous) and didn’t give it another thought. I closed my phone and left to get brunch.
While I was waiting for my lunch to arrive at a very nice local spot, I got a private text message from “Joel.” To say Joel was offended by my messages was an understatement, and I was accused of being a pretty wretched person with no care whatsoever for my fellow man or woman. It was a long, accusatory message, and every word of it shocked me to the core. I was appalled.
People who don’t know me well may not know that I am very sensitive. In fact, I’m an empath. Suffering affects me profoundly, even if the person suffering is unknown to me. For example, if I attended a funeral of someone I didn’t know, whose survivors were also unknown to me, I would still sob like a baby. I simply can’t stand to witness pain. I feel it, breathe it, and sense it on every level. It can be so strong that it feels like acid coursing through my veins.
When I saw Joel’s message, it hurt. My lunch was ruined. I canceled my order and left the restaurant. Why? Because I had been accused of doing something hurtful and nasty, yet the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. I cried as I drove home.
Obviously Joel was having a very bad day, and somehow I managed to unwittingly throw a lighted match onto his gasoline-soaked heart.
What Joel didn’t know is that I, too, was having a very bad day. We all have those days, right? Today, I have been missing my Mom, who died last year. I’ve been feeling a little lonely, which is to be expected when you live 9,000 miles from your nearest family member. My heart was tender and exposed, and Joel, unwittingly, threw a lighted match onto my gasoline-soaked heart.
Despite my tears and hurt feelings, I jotted a quick message back to Joel, apologizing. I also said that if anything I said had hurt him, it was completely unintentional. I noted that hurting anyone was the last thing I had on my mind. After all, I try to live by The Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Joel said he accepted my apology and appreciated it.
After arriving at home, I re-read the messages and my response, and in all honesty, I couldn’t see anything remotely harsh that could have provoked the response I got from Joel. After a few minutes, my sorrow and pain morphed into very heated anger. {Yes, this empath also has a Badger side, remember?} I will be honest: I wanted to send another response, this one not-so-nice. I was especially annoyed that Joel “accepted my apology” without acknowledging that there was no intent to injure. (Spoken like a true lawyer, right? LOL!) I was also very annoyed that Joel hadn’t responded to my comments about him hurting my feelings and him apologizing to ME. But I caught myself and held my tongue. And now that I’ve had a few hours to ruminate about it, I’m sure glad I did.
I realized that the problem in this situation was not with me: it was with Joel. For whatever reason, rightly or wrongly, Joel was offended by my message. It doesn’t matter what I meant or intended. It was how he received it, in HIS context, which I also don’t know. For all I know, he is having the worst day of his life today.
Which led me to recall the post on Forgiving and Forgetting. Who am I to say whether Joel’s response was correct? And who was Joel to read my message as a vicious attack on him?
And so I said to myself, “Self, Joel is having a bad day. So are you. Be righteous.”
So I surrendered myself to forgiveness, and I said a quick prayer for Joel. To requote from the “forgiveness” post:
And in doing so, I realized that forgiveness isn’t so much a benefit for the forgivee as it is for the forgiver. Because when you forgive, you engage in a tremendous act of self-love. You are saying, “I love myself so much and so unconditionally that I am unwilling to allow anyone to rain on my parade.” So you free your heart and soul from the bad act, and you give yourself a big hug. And from there forward, you let that bad act be buried, hopefully never to be resurrected.
In this situation as well, holding a grudge against Joel only hurts ME.
So, dearly beloved, I think today’s lessons can be summarized as follows:
- THE GOLDEN RULE: DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU. The one fault I find in Joel’s behavior is that he rushed to attack me without asking about my intentions first. I think if the roles were reversed, he wouldn’t have appreciated the attack. He assumed something that I didn’t mean at all (in this case, condescension). We all know what happens when you ASSUME something. . . .
- Remember that when you write–whether professionally or personally–people can’t hear your tone of voice. What may have sounded innocuous to you may be “heard” in a very different tone of voice by someone else.
- Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you say or how you say it. At least one person might be offended, legitimately or otherwise. Let it go. You can’t make everyone happy all the time.
- Remember that no matter how difficult your life is, I can guarantee there is someone out there who has it harder than you. GET PERSPECTIVE. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Me getting bent out of shape by Joel’s frustration was a perfect example of sweating the small stuff.
- Sticks and stones may break my bones, but yes people, words do hurt, too. Be careful what you say. Ask yourself how you would respond if someone spoke to you in the same manner.
- Also, develop thick skin.
- Be aware that when you attack someone you perceive as a foe, you may actually be raining friendly fire on an ally, and it could be “fatal.”
- Forgive [release,] and forget.
- Just be nice.
Rest assured that I do not think I am holier than thou, and that’s not the point of this post. Humans are damned faulty by nature, and we all err. But each time I do err, I hope I have enough sense to stop, think, and not do anything rash. Oh, and also, remember to get up and keep moving. As Larick says, “Life is a safari. It has its ups and downs.” No one ever said it would be fair or easy, but you DO have control over how you deal with unpleasant situations and whether you hold them in your gut or flush them down the rabbit hole. A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is everything.
Sound off in the comments.
Amen.
{End of Sermon}
-Badger OUT.
I know what you mean about taking in others emotions. I, too, am an empath and it can be difficult at times. Many times, I find myself wanting to be alone because I just don’t have the energy to take in others people stuff. All we can do is take the experiences we go through and learn from them. Letting it go is the biggest gift to give ourselves. Sometimes explaining your intent, in writing, still won’t resonate in the way you hope because it doesn’t allow for someone to see your smile, expression or tone of your voice. Like you said depending on how someone is feeling will determine how someone will take your words. Thanks for sharing because in everything there is a small lesson to be learned.
Thank you, my dear KiliSista. I was just telling a friend of mine that being empathetic is a blessing and a curse. But the world needs empathy, so keep doing that! Love you.